Altar Ego
How do you know which one is Mr. Right?
“Query: would it be a serious breach of etiquette to run out on my own wedding?”
This is the question Becky Steele finds herself asking, on the morning of her very own wedding. Having finally managed to fit into her meringue dress after weeks of drinking only skimmed water, she is suddenly uncertain about what exactly she wants.
Yes, she loves Julian, but is she quite ready to become a proper grown-up, and give up on the joys of the single life? Julian might be the right man, but has she had enough wrong ones?
Things get more complicated still when temptation arrives in the form of gorgeous rockstar toy boy Zack. And it looks like Julian might be making a few contingency plans of his own…
A note from Kathy
Optioned by Scott Rudin of “First Wives Club” and “Stepford Wives” fame. I wrote it as an antidote to “Bridget Jones” and other books which promote the idea that a woman is nothing without a Knight in Shining Armani. And that once the snooze alarm goes off on her biological clock, she’s no longer looking for Mr. Right, but Mr. Kinda Okay, Mr. Too Corpses Short of a Serial Killer, just to get her eggs fertilized.
In truth, marriage suits men much more than it suits women. Married men live longer than single men, have less heart disease and mental problems. While single women live longer than married women, have less heart disease and mental problems.
Marriage stats are lower than Lady Ga Ga’s bikini line at the moment and I think it’s women who are getting P.M.T – pre monogamy tension.
Love for the book
Lette is queen of the wisecrack, the Mae West de nos jours… Hugely funny.
Bad girls will love it… Unfailingly delicious.
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What I'm up to
A window into my world...
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel all the way down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
My rogues gallery
The things I get up to when I should be writing….
I’ve added my fave pics of the people who are my human wonder bras – uplifting and supportive and make me look bigger and better. Plus the odd snap of me too. There may be a few faces you recognise – but nobody two-faced, that’s for sure.
One liners, wise cracks and witticisms
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.
I told myself that it took forty-two facial muscles to frown and only four to stretch out my arm and bitch-slap the witch.