I have fake news. Honestly. Not a Trump ‘alternative truth” but real, scientific evidence from two English Universities which reveals that 80% of women have faked pleasure to please a partner. “Women report using these vocalizations to ‘speed up’ their partner’s ejaculation due to boredom, fatigue, discomfort or time limitations,” the research states.
So, have you ever faked it? If you said no, are you faking that you never fake it? How would I tell?
Of course, we all fake some things. A ‘wonder bra’ is so called because when you take it off, you wonder where the hell your breasts went. And can you even remember your natural hair colour? Extensions, acrylic nails, tans, teeth, CV’s, units of alcohol a week, eyelashes… I tried fake lashes once. Every time I blinked it looked like tarantulas mating. But when the lashes started falling out, my eyes suddenly resembled those directional sign posts pointing to “London, Paris, NY….”
And of course, every woman fakes how many men she’s slept with. “Of course I’m a virgin…. I don’t know why you men keep asking the same, silly question?!”
And when it comes to keeping our HMS Relationships afloat, all women regularly fake it. When your partner cooks an inedible dinner or gives you a birthday present you loathe, our vocal appreciation would rival the theatrical enthusiasm of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
So, yes, it’s okay to fake some things. But never orgasms. One of my girlfriends says that when she’s bored in bed, it’s just easier to ooh and ah and writhe about for a bit, then make a low moan and go limp. But surely this ploy could seriously backfire. Impressed by his own virtuosic virility, a man’s just as likely to say – “Wow! I’m going to give you another seven of those!” …and set back to work at the carnal coal face immediately.
Besides which, there’s little point in encouraging a partner in practices which are not going to get you anywhere. By anywhere I mean the usual desired female destination of over the moon or into another orbit entirely.
Actually tired of all this fuss about women faking orgasms. What about men faking foreplay? Hell, some blokes I know can fake a whole damn relationship.
The truth is, women just don’t have academy-award winning orgasms without foreplay. And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least ten minutes of foreplay, most sexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that erotic calculation just can’t add up.
And there’s no reason why men shouldn’t be good at foreplay. Most blokes are good with their hands. They can fashion a temporary cistern ball float with a squeezy bottle and a coat hanger in five minutes flat…and yet can’t find a G spot? Location! Location! Location! That’s all there is to say about the G spot, really.
And if your partner can determine the exact mile to the gallon ratio of a five hour trip to the south of France… where he effortlessly locates the remote fishing village that’s not even on a map – yet he can’t find your clitoris, well, the truth is he just can’t be bothered to find it. Maybe what’s required is a genital orienteering device – a twat nav.
Having sex when you’re not in the mood is like dancing with no music. But it’s so easy to get a woman in the mood – it’s called housework. Help with the shopping, mopping, kid-wrangling and cooking and there’ll be nothing fake about a female’s appreciation. Yes! Yes! YESSSS!
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.