Fake News

I have fake news. Honestly. Not a Trump ‘alternative truth” but real, scientific evidence from two English Universities which reveals that 80% of women have faked pleasure to please a partner. “Women report using these vocalizations to ‘speed up’ their partner’s ejaculation due to boredom, fatigue, discomfort or time limitations,” the research states.

So, have you ever faked it? If you said no, are you faking that you never fake it? How would I tell?

Of course, we all fake some things. A ‘wonder bra’ is so called because when you take it off, you wonder where the hell your breasts went. And can you even remember your natural hair colour? Extensions, acrylic nails, tans, teeth, CV’s, units of alcohol a week, eyelashes… I tried fake lashes once. Every time I blinked it looked like tarantulas mating. But when the lashes started falling out, my eyes suddenly resembled those directional sign posts pointing to “London, Paris, NY….”

And of course, every woman fakes how many men she’s slept with. “Of course I’m a virgin…. I don’t know why you men keep asking the same, silly question?!”

And when it comes to keeping our HMS Relationships afloat, all women regularly fake it. When your partner cooks an inedible dinner or gives you a birthday present you loathe, our vocal appreciation would rival the theatrical enthusiasm of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

So, yes, it’s okay to fake some things. But never orgasms. One of my girlfriends says that when she’s bored in bed, it’s just easier to ooh and ah and writhe about for a bit, then make a low moan and go limp. But surely this ploy could seriously backfire. Impressed by his own virtuosic virility, a man’s just as likely to say – “Wow! I’m going to give you another seven of those!” …and set back to work at the carnal coal face immediately.

Besides which, there’s little point in encouraging a partner in practices which are not going to get you anywhere. By anywhere I mean the usual desired female destination of over the moon or into another orbit entirely.

Actually tired of all this fuss about women faking orgasms. What about men faking foreplay? Hell, some blokes I know can fake a whole damn relationship.

The truth is, women just don’t have academy-award winning orgasms without foreplay. And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least ten minutes of foreplay, most sexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that erotic calculation just can’t add up.

And there’s no reason why men shouldn’t be good at foreplay. Most blokes are good with their hands. They can fashion a temporary cistern ball float with a squeezy bottle and a coat hanger in five minutes flat…and yet can’t find a G spot? Location! Location! Location! That’s all there is to say about the G spot, really.

And if your partner can determine the exact mile to the gallon ratio of a five hour trip to the south of France… where he effortlessly locates the remote fishing village that’s not even on a map – yet he can’t find your clitoris, well, the truth is he just can’t be bothered to find it. Maybe what’s required is a genital orienteering device – a twat nav.

Having sex when you’re not in the mood is like dancing with no music. But it’s so easy to get a woman in the mood – it’s called housework. Help with the shopping, mopping, kid-wrangling and cooking and there’ll be nothing fake about a female’s appreciation. Yes! Yes! YESSSS!

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