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So, did Santa bring the presents you wanted? All I got for Christmas was Covid. It’s the gift that just keeps on giving. And yet I’d been so careful. At work I’d kept a mask welded to my face which read, simply, “Veiled Comment” and only ventured into supermarkets wearing a biohazard suit and an aqua lung.
There’s a lot to be said for celibacy and most of it begins with “Why me?” I suppose there are worse things … like hepatitis and death. The pandemic has created a loneliness epidemic. Many of my single girlfriends worry that, if they’re in an accident, nobody will be able to identify their bodies. They’ve become so famished for bodily contact they’re tempted to give themselves a strip search.
Hmmm, what’s that big, hairy thing blocking your view of the bathroom mirror? Wait, could it be… your husband? Yep. Most probably. Thanks to the pandemic, men are getting love bites on their mirrors. Latest research reveals that the male of the species is currently spending more time in the bathroom beautifying himself than his female partner.
It was a tough call… I really had to steal my nerves, but I finally got up the courage to fire myself from cleaning my house. Not only did I catch myself drinking heavily on the job, raiding the pantry to sneak biscuits every five minutes and cutting corners, (does anyone ever really look under rugs?) but I had a lousy attitude too. I was surly and resentful.
My books
Read at your own risqué
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book.
If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
My rogues gallery
The things I get up to when I should be writing….
I’ve added my fave pics of the people who are my human wonder bras – uplifting and supportive and make me look bigger and better. Plus the odd snap of me too. There may be a few faces you recognise – but nobody two-faced, that’s for sure.
One liners, wise cracks and witticisms
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.
I told myself that it took forty-two facial muscles to frown and only four to stretch out my arm and bitch-slap the witch.