Grrrr… What’s that growling noise? Can you hear it?… It took me a while to realise that the sound is actually originating from Yours Truly, as I purr at passing men. Yep that’s right. Overnight I seem to have transmogrified from tranquil, middle-aged Mum of two, to male-hunting predator. Cougar-mode has kicked in.
Within minutes of meeting a good looking bloke, I find myself imagining him naked. At the beach, while pretending to be immersed in the latest Booker Prize winning tome, I’m actually surreptitiously perving at the nearest chiseled pectoral. In my early twenties I dated the world surfing champion, so am used to serious pecs appeal; been there, licked that. But in my experience, athletic types may have perfectly sculptured bodies – hell, you could bivouac in the shade of their biceps – but these guys are big for their brains, like dinosaurs, meaning you soon get bored with their pillow talk. So why my sudden obsession with burly blokes? I seem to have a chronic case of hetero hunger pangs – I want to put the ‘men’ into menu.
There are other disconcerting signs of Cougar-ism. I’ve suddenly started to wear so much leopard skin and jungle print clothing that I think I may need to take malaria tablets. David Attenborough could make one of his nature docos just by strolling through my walk-in wardrobe. My skirts have got shorter and my neckline has got lower. I’m now the reverse of an iceberg: ninety percent of me is visible.
As I dance the night away in discos, burning my (scented) candle at both ends, my sisters say I’m starting to look as though I just crawled out from under a stone…most probably Keith.
So, what the hell has happened to me? Well, I suppose turning sixty (or sexty as I prefer to call it) has something to do with kick-starting a craving for one last hormonal hurrah. And hormones are mostly to blame. With the rocket fuel of HRT, women my age are feeling younger, fitter, livelier, healthier, happier and dare I say it, hornier than ever.
Just because a woman can hide the primal engorgement of her libidinous organ, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to discover the supple hydraulics of a Love God’s manhood on a regular basis. As young women we longed to meet the right man. But aged sixty, a woman’s thinking – have I had enough wrong ones?
And most of my girlfriends are feeling just as frisky. Many are addicted to dating apps like Tinder, Bumble and Happn. These normally staid career women, some of whom are now Grandmas, feel no qualms about making love to perfect strangers; except they don’t want them to be perfect – they want them to be really naughty and dirty and bad.
And why not? Why shouldn’t women be guilty of Acute Lust in the First Degree? Sure, there are worse things than celibacy…like hepatitis and death. Society allows women to feel their oats, but not sow them, yet wait too long and we’re criticized for ‘going to seed’. And where has being a Good Girl got you? Even your cat has forsaken you and taken up with the cardiofunk instructress in the flat downstairs.
Older men have always dated younger women. A “Silver Fox” is considered quite a catch; successful, confident men put the cash into cachet. So why can’t older women play the same enjoyable field?
Give free rein to your imagination and you’ll soon be having so many flights of fancy you’ll need to file flight plans. “All aboard. Your flight of fancy is ready for take off. Your exits are…” But who would want to leave? As you run your hands over his satiny, bronzed skin, gaze into those dreamy eyes and kiss those creamy pecs, remind yourself that growing old may be compulsory, but growing up is optional.
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.
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