GIRLS NIGHT OUT is a psychological strip tease taking us from Puberty Blues to Menopause Blues, with tales of love, lust, men, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, mastitis, sexist bosses, teenage-daughter-wrangling, ageing, toy boys, making the Queen laugh, hiding Julian Assange in my attic, tongue kissing Prince William and Close Encounters of the George Clooney Kind, en route.
I’ll also be talking poignantly about the trials, tribulations and hilarity of raising a child on the autistic spectrum, from the times Jules came home from school with a sign sticky-taped to his back saying “Kick me I’m a retard” to his success playing Jason on Holby City.
So, grab your girlfriends and come along. Wit, warmth and full frontal frankness are guaranteed. (Men, attend at your own risqué!)
TOUR INFORMATION & TICKETS: http://lakinmccarthy.com/artists/kathy-lette
|4th July||Ropetackle Shoreham|
|5th July||Norden Farm, Maidenhead|
|21st July||North Wall, Oxford|
|22nd July||Dorchester Arts Centre|
|14th Sept||Astor Theatre, Deal|
|15th Sept||Wyvern Arts Centre, Swindon|
|16th Sept||Derby Theatre|
|18th Sept||Gala Theatre, Durham|
|23rd Sept||Mercury Theatre, Colchester|
|6th Oct||Nottingham Lakeside|
|16th Oct||Halesworth Festival|
|26th Oct||Greenwich Theatre|
|27th Oct||Radlett Centre,|
|2nd Nov||Wyllyotts Theatre, Potters Bar|
|4th Nov||Norwich Playhouse|
|9th Nov||Arthouse, Stratford Upon Avon|
|15th Nov||Harpenden Public Halls|
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.