We may have to take the word “men’” out of Mensa because it is women who are outsmarting the clever coronavirus. In every country in the world, men are more likely to be admitted to hospital and are more likely to die. Scientists are now exploring a potential new treatment: female sex hormones.
Our species boasts more robust immune defences, better responses in vaccine and drug trials and fewer genetic abnormalities. We also live longer than men. (Although, as I’ve said before, that’s so typical of blokes, isn’t it? Leaving all the cleaning up to a woman.)
In the light of these biological facts, medical trials in America are now prescribing oestrogen and progesterone patches to help men cure corona. And if it works, even the most butch blokes will be lining up for inoculation.
In other words, we might be on the cusp of a feminisation of the world. And the result can’t be any worse that the mess those macho men have got us into. What with the burning of rainforests by bullish Bolsonaro; Trump and Kim Jung-un waving their huge phallic missiles at each other; the geographical kleptomania of rootin’, tootin’, shootin’ Putin’; financial melt downs fuelled by testosterone-addled, risk-addicted male bankers and the general hot air over climate change – a more compassionate, collegiate female approach to global problem solving is clearly needed.
Even hardened misogynists can’t argue with the fact that the countries who’ve managed the coronavirus crisis most successfully are predominantly run by women – Germany, New Zealand, Belgium, Finland, Iceland, Denmark…
Men absorbing female hormones would not just improve life on the world stage but at home too. Hubbies will start pitching in with the housework, which is of course, clearly in their interests. Not only is it scientifically proven that no woman ever shot her husband while he was ironing, the greatest aphrodisiac for any female is a man in a cooking apron.
Speaking of sex, women will no longer have to fake orgasms either because men, made more considerate by hormones, will no longer fake foreplay.
Think of it, girls. With men becoming more empathetic, we’d never again be condescended to by car mechanics, exploited by tradesmen or have to say to a boss “here are your eyeballs. I found them in my cleavage.” Nor will we be groped on public transport. In fact, fairer, more reasonable males will no longer offer us their seats on the bus. Nope, they’ll be offering us their seats on the board.
And what fun to hear beardy blokes putting the whine into “wine bar” as they drink colourful cocktails and angst over how the hell they’re going to juggle kids and careers; followed by the self critical mantra of “Am I too fat?” “Am I too old?” “If I go back to work will my child grow up to collect Nazi memorabilia?”
Some fellas only seem to have two emotions – hungry or horny; if you see him without an erection, you make him a burger. Well, imagine these same guys suddenly crying in “Sleepless in Seattle”? Imagine male lawyers no longer re-brutalising rape victims with “she asked for it” insinuations? (In a murder trial nobody ever says – “Yes, it was consensual death.”) And the greatest patriarchy of all, the Church, will stop blaming Eve for the whole Garden of Eden eviction and put that treacherous snake on trial for entrapment.
So, bring on those hormones. Not only to save our beloved menfolk but also mother nature, who needs some tenderness. Also, with so many couples threatening to spit up after lockdown, perhaps hormones could literally put the ‘patch’ into men and women finally patching up our differences.
If you fancy some more Girl Talk, in exciting news for me, #AppleBooks have chosen my new novel, ‘HRT – Husband Replacement Therapy” as one of their Books of the Month across Australia and New Zealand. You can find out more over here.
Buy your copy of HRT: Husband Replacement Therapy now!
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.