Male vanity

Hmmm, what’s that big, hairy thing blocking your view of the bathroom mirror?

Wait, could it be… your husband?

Yep. Most probably. Thanks to the pandemic, men are getting love bites on their mirrors. Latest research reveals that the male of the species is currently spending more time in the bathroom beautifying himself than his female partner. Why? Well, a year of zoom meetings and video conferencing has blokes focusing on their flaws.

Gone are the days when a male’s grooming technique required nothing more than “a shower, a shit and a shave”. A woman’s now more likely to come home from work to find her mate mid-way through his do-it-yourself mani/pedi, a collagen mask plastered across his face, a vat of wax heating up for his ‘back, crack and sack’ manoeuvres, bleating “Don’t touch me!” in case you smudge his fake tan. Yes, those rugged good looks you’ve been admiring on men of late turn out to be one of the most natural and attractive assets – that money can buy.

And it’s not just bathroom beauty treatments that are currently bankrupting blokes. Cosmetic surgeons report a hundred percent increase in men opting for “tweakments” including botox, (or brotox, as they prefer to call it) dermal fillers, laser resurfacing, nose jobs, butt lifts, pec implants and mini facelifts. (A stitch in time – now that really would have confused Einstein.) Add a hair transplant and some tailored teeth and your fella will have fully completed his transmogrification into walking, talking Ken doll.

And it’s not just Aussie blokes who are suddenly going through the tunnel of love holding their own hands. In the USA, 40% of people undergoing structural alteration like chin implants, are male. In the UK, plastic surgery statistics show a record number of male tummy tucks, outstripping all other procedures, including breast enlargements.

I’ve definitely noticed this trend amongst my own mates. When chatting over zoom to my normally rational male friends, it’s suddenly as if UFO rays from some outer galaxy have been beamed into their brains making them agonize over eyelid droopage, skin laxity and sun pigmentation. One macho, professional cricket player I know has just confessed that he’s booked in for liposuction. This is a process which involves having excess fat sucked out from your hips and thighs by a giant hoover.

“But what if they accidentally vacuum out internal organs you’re still using?” I asked him, aghast. “A liver or a kidney or something? Besides, have too much lippo and your penis could become askew – then you really will be a “little bit on the side.””

He made a sound that resembled a laugh, but it was hard to tell as his face has ossified from too much botox. It’s like talking to an Easter Island statue.

Weirder still are my male friends who don’t admit to cosmetic tweaking. Even though I’ve seen more animated Egyptian mummies, they vehemently deny having facial surgery or botulism injections. Like my cricketing friend, I do try to read between their lines – only they don’t have any.

Of course, cosmetic surgeons don’t perform unnecessary surgery – they only operate if they need the money. In other words, before you boys start embracing these expensive and invasive beautifying procedures, just remember that many of these cowboy clinicians couldn’t put a dressing on a salad. <At least we know why they call what they do a practice>. Judging by the handiwork of many of Hollywood’s top cosmetic surgeons, they clearly studied under Dr. Seuss. Don’t believe me? Then I have two words for you. They are “Michael” and “Jackson”. Not to forget Micky Rourke, Bert Reynolds, Sylvester Stallone, Barry Manilow, Warnie…The list of mutilated macho men is stomach-turningly long. Do you really want to become one of those blokes who’s approaching 50, but from the wrong direction?

What’s more, I think I speak for most women when I point out that we prefer our fellas witty to pretty. I’d take dazzling repartee over rock hard pecs any day. Yes, exterior decorating is visually pleasing for about five minutes, but it’s the interior decorating I’m really interested in. What women love most is a big, thrusting organ – the one between a man’s ears. Yep. The brain is the only place where size does count.

I know some men find this concept hard to fathom. After all, the first “Testicular Guard” or “box” was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet in 1974. One can construe from this that it took 100 years for cricketers to realise that the brain is also vitally important.

What I want to say to my charming cricketing pal is this – if you really want to bowl a maiden over and score, you’d be much more attractive if you read a book now and then.

Speaking of which…. Feel free to give your fella some more lines, (laughter not frown lines, hopefully!) with a Father’s Day prezzie of one of these perhaps?

Love, Kathy xx