Hmmm, what’s that big, hairy thing blocking your view of the bathroom mirror? Wait, could it be… your husband?
Yep. Most probably. Thanks to the pandemic, men are getting love bites on their mirrors. Latest research reveals that the male of the species is currently spending more time in the bathroom beautifying himself than his female partner. Why? Well, a year of zoom meetings and video conferencing has blokes focusing on their flaws.
Gone are the days when a male’s grooming technique required nothing more than “a shower, a shit and a shave”. A woman’s now more likely to come home from work to find her mate mid-way through his do-it-yourself mani/pedi, a collagen mask plastered across his face, a vat of wax heating up for his ‘back, crack and sack’ manoeuvres, bleating “Don’t touch me!” in case you smudge his fake tan. Yes, those rugged good looks you’ve been admiring on men of late turn out to be one of the most natural and attractive assets – that money can buy.
And it’s not just bathroom beauty treatments that are currently bankrupting blokes. Cosmetic surgeons report a hundred percent increase in men opting for “tweakments” including botox, (or brotox, as they prefer to call it) dermal fillers, laser resurfacing, nose jobs, butt lifts, pec implants and mini facelifts. (A stitch in time – now that really would have confused Einstein.) Add a hair transplant and some tailored teeth and your fella will have fully completed his transmogrification into walking, talking Ken doll.
And it’s not just Aussie blokes who are suddenly going through the tunnel of love holding their own hands. In the USA, 40% of people undergoing structural alteration like chin implants, are male. In the UK, plastic surgery statistics show a record number of male tummy tucks, outstripping all other procedures, including breast enlargements.
I’ve definitely noticed this trend amongst my own mates. When chatting over zoom to my normally rational male friends, it’s suddenly as if UFO rays from some outer galaxy have been beamed into their brains making them agonize over eyelid droopage, skin laxity and sun pigmentation. One macho, professional cricket player I know has just confessed that he’s booked in for liposuction. This is a process which involves having excess fat sucked out from your hips and thighs by a giant hoover.
“But what if they accidentally vacuum out internal organs you’re still using?” I asked him, aghast. “A liver or a kidney or something? Besides, have too much lippo and your penis could become askew – then you really will be a “little bit on the side.””
He made a sound that resembled a laugh, but it was hard to tell as his face has ossified from too much botox. It’s like talking to an Easter Island statue.
Weirder still are my male friends who don’t admit to cosmetic tweaking. Even though I’ve seen more animated Egyptian mummies, they vehemently deny having facial surgery or botulism injections. Like my cricketing friend, I do try to read between their lines – only they don’t have any.
Of course, cosmetic surgeons don’t perform unnecessary surgery – they only operate if they need the money. In other words, before you boys start embracing these expensive and invasive beautifying procedures, just remember that many of these cowboy clinicians couldn’t put a dressing on a salad. <At least we know why they call what they do a practice>. Judging by the handiwork of many of Hollywood’s top cosmetic surgeons, they clearly studied under Dr. Seuss. Don’t believe me? Then I have two words for you. They are “Michael” and “Jackson”. Not to forget Micky Rourke, Bert Reynolds, Sylvester Stallone, Barry Manilow, Warnie…The list of mutilated macho men is stomach-turningly long. Do you really want to become one of those blokes who’s approaching 50, but from the wrong direction?
What’s more, I think I speak for most women when I point out that we prefer our fellas witty to pretty. I’d take dazzling repartee over rock hard pecs any day. Yes, exterior decorating is visually pleasing for about five minutes, but it’s the interior decorating I’m really interested in. What women love most is a big, thrusting organ – the one between a man’s ears. Yep. The brain is the only place where size does count.
I know some men find this concept hard to fathom. After all, the first “Testicular Guard” or “box” was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet in 1974. One can construe from this that it took 100 years for cricketers to realize that the brain is also vitally important.
What I want to say to my charming cricketing pal is this – if you really want to bowl a maiden over and score, you’d be much more attractive if you read a book now and then.
Speaking of which…. Feel free to give your fella some more lines, (laughter not frown lines, hopefully!) with a Father’s Day prezzie of one of these perhaps?
Cheers for now, Kathy x
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.