“A friend got mad at me for smelling my sister’s underwear,” a male pal joked recently. “I’m not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was present… Either way it made the funeral very awkward.”
I laughed but it did get me thinking about the male olfactory obsession. In Japan for example, there are vending machines which don’t offer your usual chocolates or chips, but freshly worn schoolgirls’ knickers.
Um…I think I speak for all women when I say that none of us have ever desired a quick sniff of a random fella’s tighty whiteys. Stories like that make me think that if men are from Mars, then we women aren’t from Venus, but from another galaxy all together. The differences between the sexes are just so extreme, aren’t they? Have you ever, for example, seen a woman play air guitar? Or fiddle with the fridge thermostat just for fun? Or demand praise when completing the simplest of dishwasher-stacking tasks? Or put coloured clothes into a white wash? Nor do women think that sitting on the toilet is a leisure activity. (What the hell are you doing in there, fellas?) Women also don’t fret that if we pull over to ask directions it will infer some kind of a slur on the size of our nether regions. Apparently, the average male walks 900 miles in a lifetime due to being lost and wanting to avoid having to ask for directions.
But getting back to underwear, the most recent and alarming difference between men and women has recently come to light… although, on second thoughts, let’s keep the lights low as I’d rather not look too closely; researchers have found that the average male only invests in new underwear once every five years. Yep. Men are pants at buying pants.
More than two in five men admit that their partners buy their boxers while more than a third still rely on their Mums. Most men said that they look forward to a “pants present” from their partners, parents or grandparents at least once a year, usually at Christmas or on their birthdays or, an even sadder fact, on their wedding anniversaries. Girls, I’d say if you’re married to a grown man who still expects you to buy his grundies, it might be time for a brief de-brief on why you’ve filed for divorce.
It turns out that even the most fashionably chic men striding by in their designer suits, are hiding a dirty little secret – daggy, saggy, baggy undies. It’s a bit like buying an expensive car because it looks good, then lifting up the hood to discover nothing but grease and rust.
The study also found that some blokes hang on to their perished pants for more than 20 years – often longer than their marriages. 5% never throw out their smalls to which I can only say, out with the holed, in with the new fellas! 10% rely on their partners to bin them secretly – which sure puts the Why into Y front.
The survey of Aussie blokes also found that 35% have “gone commando” although not for erotic reasons but because they’d run out of clean undies. (Take it from me, guys, if you go commando while wearing shorts, a girl can clearly see you’re nuts.)
Even more alarming, 17% admitted to turning their undies inside-out so they could wear them again. Many believe that a quick sniff in the morning is proof of wearability. At first glance, or rather first sniff, this statistic stinks. But it gets worse. The research by underwear company jac5 has revealed that 67% of Aussie blokes – or two out of every three – have worn the same pair of undies twice without washing them, even without utilising the old inside-out technique.
Boys, believe me, pants worn for more than a day in the height of summer, do not pass the pong-ometer. And turning them inside out for another day of groin duty is not a viable alternative to a fifteen minute wash on a hot cotton cycle.
In these days of over-sanitising, masks, hand gels and social distancing, there is only one area that should stay dirty right now, fellas, and that’s your mind.
For more ‘dirty talk’, do try my new novel, “HRT – Husband Replacement Therapy.”
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.