“*** you, you *** f-ing *** piece of ***!!!! ” Welcome to the wonderful world of politics. Poke your head above the parapet in public life and you’re rewarded with the verbal equivalent of rotten tomatoes flung into your face.
But this is especially true if you’re female. New research reveals that girls are being put off careers in politics because they’ve seen the misogynistic online abuse suffered by women in the public eye.
Dame Cressida Dick, the London Metropolitan Police commissioner, and Dame Margaret Hodge, a former UK Labour minister, have just hosted an online conference for female politicians to discuss the disproportionate amount of violent vitriol aimed at prominent women.
But women do have a secret weapon – our bigger and better vocabularies. Women use, on average, 500 more words a day than men. And, in my experience, giving a good tongue lashing to a bully, especially if it inspires a laugh from onlookers, completely nukes his power.
And so, my advice to any woman planning to go into public life – first develop your black belt in tongue-fu.
For any bloke reading this, I’m obviously not talking about you. You are clearly gorgeous, feminist, liberated Love Gods, or you would have headed for the hills at the headline. But sadly, there are still far too many misogynists encamped in the gender jungle, maniacally patrolling their little patch of territory, just like those Japanese soldiers of the second world war who occasionally emerge from obscure bits of New Guinea to discover that the war is over and nobody informed them.
Trump is a typical example. His list of abusive comments towards women is longer than ‘War and Peace’, including telling a New York Times columnist she had “the face of a dog”. If the Sexist in Chief had dared fling that comment in my direction, I’d have replied – “So, shall I stick my head out your car window… or just piss on your leg?” Or, even more simply – “Well if I’m a dog, then you’re my post.”
Regrettably, women must be prepared for endless negative comments on our physical appearance. The fact that the male commentator hurling the abuse is invariably so ugly he needs to get his mirrors insured, will not deter him from criticising a woman’s weight, bottom or breast size. I suggest you just smile nicely at your tormentor and reply – “They found a cure for baldness, you know…. Hair.”
Another effective way to comedically kneecap misogynists is to take aim at their obviously limited IQ. You could start by enquiring if he knows why men like smart women? Because opposites attract. Then ask if it was embarrassing to have taken an I.Q. test… and failed. Perhaps he’s just lost in thought – which is obviously such unfamiliar territory. You could then politely enquire if he’s going to leave his brain to medical science, as it’s clearly never been used. Or perhaps, he’s a miracle – as in the only living brain donor in human history?
If slurs about brain size fail to wound, you can always size him up another way, by hitting below the belt. If a lech makes unwanted sexual comments, simply point to his nether regions and say “Clearly the age of shrivelry is not dead!’” If confronted by a flasher or sent an unsolicited “dick pick”, simply guffaw and reply- “What do you want me to do with it? Floss?” Or “I’d love to sit here and discuss your appendage, except I’m not into ‘small talk’.”
Alternatively you can take a swipe at a male bully’s sexual prowess. Simply ask if he wouldn’t occasionally like to have sex with a woman who didn’t press charges later? Or is he just over-excited at the novelty of being with a female he doesn’t have to inflate? Or “So, tell me, with a penile implant operation, is there pain afterwards?”
In the battle of wits, these Neanderthal sexists are clearly unarmed. With a cache of wordy weapons at our disposal, we women can inflict a nasty case of quip-lash. With so many political bullies like Putin, Bolsonaro, Lukashenko, Xi Jinping and egomaniacal co strutting about waving their phallic missiles at each other, the world has never needed female influence more. So, girls, load up your one-liners and thus armed, go forth and be fabulous.
I hope my novels might supply some linguistic inspiration on how to give an enemy a good tongue lashing, especially “The Boy Who Fell To Earth”, “To Love, Honour and Betray” and “How To Kill Your Husband – and other handy household hints“. Let me know.
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.