When did you last have sex? Does your libido feel like a dog trying to nudge its dead owner back to life? Then you’re not alone.
A married girlfriend of mine was relining the hamster cage with newspaper when she glimpsed an article headlined “Sex Ten Times a Year” and she thought Gosh, that much?! Reading on, she was mortified to discover that sex ten times a year means your love life is defunct. Hopeless. Dysfunctional.
Confessing to her lacklustre love life over cocktails at our next girls’ gathering, prompted a candid conversation. “So, when was the last time you had sex?’ I probed another married pal.
‘On my birthday, if you must know . . . my birthday three years ago. It was like being ravaged by a tree sloth.”
We cackled like a witch’s coven, but beneath the banter and bonhomie a sad truth emerged. It seems the only physical contact many middle-aged women experience is at a bra-fitting. It’s got so bad that some of my female friends actually look forward to their mammograms!
Mothers have always made daughters believe that the male libido is an untameable beast: that sex is all men want. Well, come middle age, and sex is all most women want! “Why did I ever say no?” they growl. “I can’t believe all the male appendage I batted away in my youth!” lamented another post-menopausal girlfriend. For many middle-aged Mums the only thing she’s getting between the sheets is an anti-climax.
And it’s not as though my married female friends aren’t making the right, seductive moves. But too often their amorous advances are rebuffed with a chaste goodnight peck on the cheek and a pat on the shoulder – three pats, like you would give a trusty old dog – before hubby rolls over and starts snoring. A bloke couldn’t make his rejection more obvious if he built a Trump-style wall down the middle of the bed.
The kids have left home, you’re working less, maybe even retiring. You have all the time in the world to devote to each other, so who wouldn’t want a last hormonal hurrah? But, how to rekindle his flagging interest? Firstly, rule out any obvious problems. Has he got brewer’s droop? Maybe he’s a secret alcoholic – or, as they say in Adelaide, “likes wine tastings”?’ Or perhaps it’s an unfulfilled sexual fantasy? Check out his online browsing history. If there’s no dogs or dominatrixes in sight, it could be an affair? But if your fella is still wearing his old saggy, baggy undies, isn’t man-scaping or taking up cycling in skin-tight lycra then the sad fact is his flag pole is just stuck at half mast.
So, what’s the solution when your lover’s as limp as a two week old lettuce? There’s always Vitamin V. But some men won’t take the little blue pill, seeing it as a slight to their masculinity. A little surreptitiously applied testosterone gel when he’s asleep can work some hormonal magic, or simply buy oysters by the bucketload. When a girlfriend purchased some WD40, cheekily branded Start Ya Bastard, I jokingly suggested she rush back into the boudoir to spray it onto her husband’s nether regions – at least I hope she knew I was joking.
Experts would probably advise some kind of therapy – mindfulness, cognitive, equine … But surely ‘equine therapy’ for middle-aged mums is finding a man who’s hung like a horse.
The reason many middle-aged women comfort eat is because they’re suffering from sexual hunger pangs. If she can’t put “men” back on the menu, only chocolate can hit the spot; sadly, not the G spot, as she’s prefer. In short boys, keep rejecting your spouse in the bedroom and she’ll soon have her own postcode. In other words, if you don’t want a wife full of fast food, then don’t starve her of slow sex.
For more on middle aged sex, slip between the covers of my latest novel, “HRT – Husband Replacement Therapy” and do share your R-rated thoughts with me.
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.