Listen up ladies. This is not fake news. Last week we celebrated International Female Orgasm Day. So, how was it for you? I hope you were oh…Oh!!!…OHHHHHH! ver joyed. If you were left high and dry, however, I hope you didn’t do a “Meg Ryan” and simulate an orgasm to rival her infamous “I’ll Have What She’s Having” performance in “When Harry Met Sally.” Although, scientific research suggests you may have. Separate studies from two English Universities reveal that 80% of women have faked pleasure to please a partner, either to due to boredom, fatigue or time limitations.
Now, it’s okay to fake some things – CV’S, sickies, hair colour… but never orgasms. One of my girlfriends recently confessed over cocktails that when bored in bed she just finds it just easier to ooh and ah and writhe about for a bit, then make a low moan and go limp as a perm in an 80’s sauna. But surely, I suggested, this ploy could seriously backfire. Impressed by his own virtuosic virility, her boyfriend’s just as likely to say – “Wow babe! I’m going to give you another ten of those!” …and set back to work at the carnal coal face with dogged determination.
Besides, there’s little point in encouraging a partner in practices which are not going to get you anywhere. By anywhere I mean the usual desired female destination of over the moon or into another orbit entirely. (Personally, I like to wave to the Mir space station as I whiz on by, don’t you?)
One of the biggest trends in lockdown has been an uptake of D.I.Y. A furloughed, quarantined male population have taken to painting and decorating with frenzied fervour. But it seems that quarantining females are also getting good with their hands.
What else can explain the sudden popularity of Podcasts featuring female-centric erotic stories? Emma Sayle, founder of the sex-party company Killing Kittens, says that its podcast The Naked Truth has seen the audience rise over lockdown to nearly 10,000 listeners. Anna Richards, founder of the erotic short-film site frolicme.com says the company has seen a 48% rise in women listening to its audio sexcapades. So popular are steamy stories for women that chat show queen Oprah Winfrey’s influential magazine has just published a list of the “19 best erotic podcasts”.
Women often wonder why it is that men prefer beauty to brains. We jokingly conclude it’s because blokes see better than they think. (Not if you’re reading this blog of course, as that immediately distinguishes you as a man of great taste and discernment!) But whereas male libidinous stimulation is predominantly visual, research reveals that women prefer aural sex. For us, wordplay is foreplay. Females like to be laughed into bed. A stand-up comedian is guaranteed to give a girl a multiple laugh, which is even more deeply satisfying.
According to sex expert Dr Emily Nagosk, author of the best selling “Come As You Are”, women’s sexual responses depend more on emotional than ocular stimuli. 50% of the women she interviewed felt that porn dehumanizes women. Clearly, for females the brain is the biggest erogenous zone. A narrated salacious tale allows the listener to paint her own pictures and personalise the fantasy.
And there’s a plethora of podcasts waiting to tickle your fancy with an audible feather. Dipsea – an app that specializes in short, sexy audio stories, is like a mental, sensual macchiato. The warm Scottish burr of the Girl on the Net narrator definitely puts the tart into tartan. While Demi Moore’s new erotic podcast, Dirty Diana offers sophisticated storylines narrated by a cosmos of stars. My only advice is to make sure you listen with headphones, as Andrea Riseborough’s climactic moment in the first episode reaches a decibel level that can be heard as far afield as those base camps in Antarctica.
For more ribald raunchiness, there’s “Bawdy Storytelling”, curated by Dixie De La Tour who describes herself as a “polyamorous kinky dildo slinger.”
Whatever podcast you choose, aural sex makes every day International Female Orgasm Day. I’d like to rave a little more about the pleasures of ear erotica, but I’m getting a little tired of typing with my nose, so if you’ll just excuse me.….And of course, if you’re up for some humorous titillation, you could always try the audio version of my latest best seller, “HRT – Husband Replacement Therapy.” Funny close encounters of the carnal kind, guaranteed. Well, they made ME laugh! (What can I say? It’s cheaper than therapy.)
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.