Why do men like their wine old and their women young? It’s a conundrum we sixty year old females laughingly discuss over many a glass of vino, because we know full well we’re a bloody good vintage.
New data backs this up. Researchers from Australia and New Zealand asked 15,264 people aged between 18 and 94 to rate how happy they were with their body image during a six-year period. The study published in the journal Body Image reveals that self-esteem and body confidence grows as women age. While young women are riddled with body insecurity, women in our sixties are much happier in our skin.
Why? Well, for females, life is in two acts – the trick is surviving the interval. Menopause, that horrible hormonal intermission, is discombobulating. I sweated so much, I thought the Gestapo were trying to get a confession out of me. Hell, I was having my own weather. It was like being a moody teenager again, only this time with wrinkles instead of pimples.
But once you come through that ordeal, a blissful contentedness sets in. I suspect its mostly to do with no longer caring about the male gaze. Once you’re wise enough to realise that you wouldn’t want a fella who only wants you because you’re wrinkle free from tonsils to toenails, well you no longer give a damn.
I can’t believe how much time I wasted as a young woman angsting over butt buoyancy and boob size. As a teen, anxiety about weight led to an obsession with exercise, mainly skipping; skipping breakfast, lunch, dinner. Once, I kissed a stray cat in the hope of catching worms. I avoided mirrors with such obsessional fervour that my family must have started to suspect I was a vampire.
Of course, I look back at photos of my slender teenage frame with bewilderment. I should have just worn a bikini everywhere – to the office, parties, functions – winter, summer and fall. And I bet you were all in similarly good nick. And yet our self esteem was limbo low as we constantly compared ourselves to the airbrushed women on billboards.
Sadly, social media has only exacerbated the pressure on girls to achieve the perfect body. Young women today are so thin, I wonder where they keep their internal organs? In their handbags? They live on cups of skimmed air; avoiding pastries as though laced in plutonium.
But we older women have worked out that if Mother Nature had wanted to see our skeletons, she’d have located them on the outside of our bodies.
And, talking of appetites, being relaxed in your skin also makes for much better sex. My female friends in their sixties, or sexties, as I prefer to call it, are having the best time in bed. Good sex is about letting go. And for relaxed, confident older women, it’s oh, OH! OHHH!!!!! What a feeling!
It’s time to rewrite The Graduate ensuring Mrs. Robinson gets to keep her college boy. After all, we mature females have biology in our favour. The male of the species hits his sexual prime in his late teens; a woman? Post 50, especially with the rocket fuel of HRT. When I see young women like Kitty Spencer marrying men older than their fathers, I think – come on. You don’t have to be Einstein to do the math. Put it this way, 19 goes into 60 a hell of a lot more than 60 goes into nineteen. A toy boy’s vocabulary may be small, but who cares, when he ends every sentence with a proposition? Liberated from periods and pregnancy fears, all that’s left is fun. Sex with a younger man is also a very effective way to keep fit – a case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
For women in our sixties, this latest age-positive research is the wind beneath our bingo wings. So, sexagenarians, embrace those crows’ feet, let the world read between your laughter lines and just go forth and be fabulous. And to younger women, please take some advice from an old chook – you’re gorgeous. Just love the skin you’re in and avoid any bloke who expects you to be thin enough to hang from your own charm bracelet.
Believe me, there’s nothing charming about a bloke like that.
Love, Kathy xx
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.