Are you testing positive for Corona?
I don’t mean the vile disease. I mean, are you secretly enjoying self isolation? I know this deadly pandemic is terrifying, but much to my amazement, I am finding some positive aspects to the lockdown. Fresh air, bird song, a return to family meal times, no rush hours, time to facetime friends, the joy of jigsaw puzzles…
Oh, and a lot more sex. Sex is the best, most wonderful thing in the entire world… apart from shoe sales, scuba diving and winning the Pulitzer Prize for literature. But juggling kids, career, commutes, work functions, parent teacher nights and social commitments leaves most couples too exhausted to enjoy it. Crawling into bed late at night, the one thing most Mums are fantasising about is – sleep. For many parents, ‘a new position in bed’ means sleeping on your other side.
But not during the lock down. Kissing and touching may be banned in the outside world, but as long as you do it in isolation with a consenting adult who’s isolating under the same roof, it’s a hobby that can definitely keep your hands full.
In Italy, where they’ve been in serious lock down for over a month, the online sale of sex toys has skyrocketed. Locked in lovers are clearly pushing out the carnal envelope. But I feel there should be a few rules concerning experimentation. Believe me, inflating plastic sexual pleasure enhancers can cause the most awful migraines. And I’m sorry, but surely handcuffs are only acceptable if you’re an undercover cop with ASIO. And no woman wants to catch pneumonia from constantly slipping into something less comfortable. I also know for a fact that fishnet friction can inflict a nasty wound on your most sensitive areas.
One of my girlfriends called to say that her husband wants to extend their R-rated repertoire with a little cross-dressing. Now, I thought ‘cross dressing’ was what most Mums experience every morning when a closet rummage reveals that our teenage daughters have borrowed favourite clothes without asking. But no. My girlfriend went on to explain that she’d just discovered her husband wearing her best designer dress. And she was furious. “Why?” I asked tentatively “Did he stretch it?” “No. He was wearing stockings with sandals! I mean – stockings and sandals. How naff! I can’t believe I could have married a man who could DO that!”
Online Zoom orgies are also enjoying a huge upsurge in popularity. The only good thing about an orgy is that it does away with the anxiety about what to wear – no dressing crossly, that day! But the very thought of filming my sexual encounters makes me suffer from a performance anxiety I haven’t felt since those hedonistic hours of enforced folk dancing in Primary school.
At the opposite end of the experimentation scale, beware hubbies who suddenly only want to do it with the lights off. As you go through the motions in the dark, you’ll gradually realize that he’s actually having sex with Beyonce… And that she’s getting many more orgasms than you are!
And don’t be persuaded to shave anywhere intimate either. It may sound erotic, but when it’s growing back, looks like a shag pile that’s been terrorized.
Which brings me to another upside of the lockdown– the money I’m saving on personal grooming. Women haemorrhage moolah on hair dye, pedicures, manicures, eyebrow tints, lash extensions and body waxing. Some of my girlfriends no longer even know their natural hair colour. Nor do their husbands. Well, with salons off limits, we’re all about to find out. When I take my daily allocated hour of exercise in the local park, I feel as though I’ve taken the Tardis back to the 1970’s – bearded, long haired blokes stroll along beside hairy legged, mono-eye-browed, make-up-free females … And now that women have been liberated from the pain of waxing, will they ever go back? Hopefully during this lockdown, blokes will also have learnt to appreciate the joys of a little light bush walking…
So enjoy your fornication freedom while you may, because no doubt the government will soon issue its position on positions – a kind of Corona-sutra, advising which carnal configurations are the least likely to cause contagion. Dear God, they’ve legislated on just about everything else. Till then, enjoy all the horizontal refreshment that you can.
p.s. And while slipping between the covers, may I also suggest slipping between some book covers, too. Reading is infectious – but in a good way. So, feel free to hoover my oeuvre. Plus, my latest novel, HRT – Husband Replacement Therapy is out in two weeks. Satisfaction guaranteed!
p.s. The quote on the cover is from Kath and Kim, describing me as “the Thinking Woman’s Hornbag”, which is possibly the best compliment I’ve ever received!
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.