Testing Corona Positive


Are you testing positive for Corona?

I don’t mean the vile disease. I mean, are you secretly enjoying self isolation? I know this deadly pandemic is terrifying, but much to my amazement, I am finding some positive aspects to the lockdown. Fresh air, bird song, a return to family meal times, no rush hours, time to facetime friends, the joy of jigsaw puzzles…

Oh, and a lot more sex. Sex is the best, most wonderful thing in the entire world… apart from shoe sales, scuba diving and winning the Pulitzer Prize for literature. But juggling kids, career, commutes, work functions, parent teacher nights and social commitments leaves most couples too exhausted to enjoy it. Crawling into bed late at night, the one thing most Mums are fantasising about is – sleep. For many parents, ‘a new position in bed’ means sleeping on your other side.

But not during the lock down. Kissing and touching may be banned in the outside world, but as long as you do it in isolation with a consenting adult who’s isolating under the same roof, it’s a hobby that can definitely keep your hands full.

In Italy, where they’ve been in serious lock down for over a month, the online sale of sex toys has skyrocketed. Locked in lovers are clearly pushing out the carnal envelope. But I feel there should be a few rules concerning experimentation. Believe me, inflating plastic sexual pleasure enhancers can cause the most awful migraines. And I’m sorry, but surely handcuffs are only acceptable if you’re an undercover cop with ASIO. And no woman wants to catch pneumonia from constantly slipping into something less comfortable. I also know for a fact that fishnet friction can inflict a nasty wound on your most sensitive areas.

One of my girlfriends called to say that her husband wants to extend their R-rated repertoire with a little cross-dressing. Now, I thought ‘cross dressing’ was what most Mums experience every morning when a closet rummage reveals that our teenage daughters have borrowed favourite clothes without asking. But no. My girlfriend went on to explain that she’d just discovered her husband wearing her best designer dress. And she was furious. “Why?” I asked tentatively “Did he stretch it?” “No. He was wearing stockings with sandals! I mean – stockings and sandals. How naff! I can’t believe I could have married a man who could DO that!”

Online Zoom orgies are also enjoying a huge upsurge in popularity. The only good thing about an orgy is that it does away with the anxiety about what to wear – no dressing crossly, that day! But the very thought of filming my sexual encounters makes me suffer from a performance anxiety I haven’t felt since those hedonistic hours of enforced folk dancing in Primary school.

At the opposite end of the experimentation scale, beware hubbies who suddenly only want to do it with the lights off. As you go through the motions in the dark, you’ll gradually realize that he’s actually having sex with Beyonce… And that she’s getting many more orgasms than you are!

And don’t be persuaded to shave anywhere intimate either. It may sound erotic, but when it’s growing back, looks like a shag pile that’s been terrorized.

Which brings me to another upside of the lockdown– the money I’m saving on personal grooming. Women haemorrhage moolah on hair dye, pedicures, manicures, eyebrow tints, lash extensions and body waxing. Some of my girlfriends no longer even know their natural hair colour. Nor do their husbands. Well, with salons off limits, we’re all about to find out. When I take my daily allocated hour of exercise in the local park, I feel as though I’ve taken the Tardis back to the 1970’s – bearded, long haired blokes stroll along beside hairy legged, mono-eye-browed, make-up-free females … And now that women have been liberated from the pain of waxing, will they ever go back? Hopefully during this lockdown, blokes will also have learnt to appreciate the joys of a little light bush walking…

So enjoy your fornication freedom while you may, because no doubt the government will soon issue its position on positions – a kind of Corona-sutra, advising which carnal configurations are the least likely to cause contagion. Dear God, they’ve legislated on just about everything else. Till then, enjoy all the horizontal refreshment that you can.

p.s. And while slipping between the covers, may I also suggest slipping between some book covers, too. Reading is infectious – but in a good way. So, feel free to hoover my oeuvre. Plus, my latest novel, HRT – Husband Replacement Therapy is out in two weeks. Satisfaction guaranteed!

p.s. The quote on the cover is from Kath and Kim, describing me as “the Thinking Woman’s Hornbag”, which is possibly the best compliment I’ve ever received!

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