Sorry. Make that Influenzor.
Blogs, podcasts, Insta updates, influencers…Not having a “lifestyle” platform casts you out into social Siberia. Well, now we can add ‘influenzors’ because every self isolator seems to have a vlog to flog.
Of course, on-line motivating has been going on long before coronavirus. The most famous “influencers” are Kourtney Kardashian with her “home and lifestyle” website called Poosh and Gwyneth Paltrow’s “wellness and lifestyle” company, Goop, where she’s currently promoting a candle that “smells like my vagina.”
When poosh comes to shove, I think I speak for most of the female population when I say “WTF?!”
The plethora of current on-line advice from celebrities is so contradictory and confusing. Some suggest feasting on bone broth, other’s fasting. Should I be following the scripture of Paleo or Atkins or only nibbling organic, non-irradiated, biodynamic, fair-trade tofu? Should I be incredibly keen on kale or quinoa? But isn’t kale just cabbage with good PR?
Should I be a helicopter mum or a tiger mum or a snowplough parent? A domestic goddess or a sex goddess or possibly both at once? Not only must I be a better parent/ cake-baker/ male-pleasing fellatrix/ career high-flyer with a couple of venture capital portfolios tucked up each designer sleeve – but also thinner, prettier and exercising ‘mindfulness’ while doing so.
I bet Gwyneth and Kourtney are particularly ‘mindful’ about how much money they’re making from other women’s insecurities.
Clearly, it’s time I followed in their lucrative, high-heeled footsteps and launched my own site. Rest assured, I have no desire to Feng Shui your aura at a vegan healing festival, urinating in your own yurt because a mudslide has barred your exit flap. Nor will my wellness website advise you to give half your annual salary to a self-styled Intuitive Heart Healer, who’ll awaken your inner Warrior. No. My top tips will be a tad more practical, namely that most ailments and anxieties can be cured with a good laugh and a lamington. Let’s start with –
MINDFULNESS – Making your mind go blank is best achieved by listening to the pseudo psychobabble of poncy ‘influencers.’
FOOD FADS – Eat what makes you happy. I prefer food that’s been cooked in fat, drenched in salt and coated in chocolate, preferably simultaneously. Yes, giving up bacon and beer might add two years to your life, but as all your beer and bacon devouring pals will be dead already, who wants to live anyway?
HOW TO BE WOKE? Drink an espresso martini.
FACIALS – Forget expensive deep-tissue Korean fruit detoxes. Why put avocado and yoghurt on your face when you could just eat it? The secret to good skin is to be Mediterranean. And the secret to beauty is to have Nordic parents who are prone to height, hair and Viking ice-blue eyes. Otherwise, just keep the lights low. (The dimmer switch – greatest beauty aid to woman kind.)
RAISING WELL BEHAVED CHILDREN – Celebrity Mums suggest that we “tap into cuddle power” and be “dream-makers, not dream breakers.” I suggest a threat to cut off their pocket money. I’m pretty sure you’ll notice an immediate improvement in behaviour. Only in American sit coms do mothers and daughters discuss the minutia of their lives with each other in funny, frank exchanges that always lead to hugging.
EXERCISE – Forget torturing yourself in triathlons. Just execute 20 or so sit-up’s every morning, hitting the snooze button on the iPhone so that you miss Pilates.
SEX – What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
I hope these “lifestyle” tips have increased your “wellness”. As for a candle that “smells like my vagina”?… I’m going one better than Gwyneth. I’m going to promote a labial candelabra or rather a candel-labia. Who wouldn’t wax lyrical about that!
Please feel free to influence us with your top tips for getting through this pandemic nightmare and lonely lockdown.
All cocktail and chocolate cake recipes welcome. xxxx
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.