There’s a lot to be said for celibacy and most of it begins with “Why me?” I suppose there are worse things … like hepatitis and death. The pandemic has created a loneliness epidemic. Many of my single girlfriends worry that, if they’re in an accident, nobody will be able to identify their bodies. They’ve become so famished for bodily contact they’re tempted to give themselves a strip search.
Lockdown loneliness is forcing many of us to turn to internet dating. Even girlfriends who’ve been totally catty about mouse-pad pairings are now striking up online relationships. As casual consummation is currently illegal, all that’s left is a long period of old-fashioned courting. It’s all very Jane Austen-esque. But whereas women in Georgian times were on the hunt for something Tall, Dark and Bankable, what are today’s women looking for in a potential partner?
In my single days I went on so many blind dates I could have been given a free dog. Eventually, after weeding out the cross-dressers, necrophiliacs, men with secret love bunkers and the exact knowledge of how and when the world was going to end, I’d meet a potential Romeo for a coffee. If his opening conversational gambit was along the lines of “Does this look infected to you?” or “I’m not just a scientologist, I also sell genital wart cream,” I’d excuse myself to powder my nose. In another café. In another city. But I seem to remember that my chief annoyance was astrological probing. If a bloke asked if I was Aires or Capricorn, I’d reply that my sign was ‘Do Not Disturb.”
But that was decades ago. So, what male traits currently rate high on the female irk-ometer. Would it be bores, braggarts, name droppers or peacocks with elephantiasis of the ego? Surely top of the list would be dreaded mansplainers? Can there be anything more off-putting in a bloke than chronic correctile dysfunction? Well, apparently, yes there can.
According to my in-depth, scientific research (over cappuccinos with girlfriends) it’s not muscles, money, confidence, charisma, good looks, profession that ticks the attractiveness box. No, what today’s woman desires is a man who’s good at oral sex; as in, wordplay. Size does count too – size of vocabulary. Apparently, today’s single female is more desirous of a partner who’s grammatically rather than anatomically correct.
Basically, split an infinitive – and she’ll split. Improper ellipses? Sorry buddy, but you’ll never get to end a sentence with a proposition. As for male homophonics? There/ their/ they’re just doomed. Basically boys, if you drop your “g’s”, you won’t be dropping your trousers.
A very glamorous divorcee gal pal of mine recently found the perfect match on Hinge – successful, charming, charismatic, handsome… I couldn’t wait for a report on her first zoom date. “How was it?” I asked excitedly, next morning.
“Horrendous!” Her voice was firm and punitive – the kind of voice that Moses would have used to part the Red Sea. What was his transgression, I wondered? By the level of disgust in her tone, I’d be very surprised if it didn’t involve some kind of satanic ritual at some point.
“He said ‘brung’ instead of ‘brought’,” she shuddered. To her mind, this immediately marked him as the kind of vulgarian who likes movies with ‘Pork’, ‘Death’ or ‘II’ in the title. It was a sure sign that his underpants size was bigger than his IQ.
New research from Tilburg Uni in Holland backs up my many girlfriends’ prejudices. Dutch analysis confirms that poor grammar and bad ‘speling’ are the ultimate female turn off. Basically, if you want to flirt, fellas, you need to do so in perfect prose. Fail and that’s a no to “coffee” in perverted commas.
In the trial, members of a dating site were asked to read fictitious profiles, some with language errors and some word-perfect. They were then asked to rate the attractiveness of the profile owners. The result was a resounding female raspberry at any man who made grammatical errors, or worse, spelled finetically.
And the average male? Well, he craved a lingerie model with a trick pelvis – the kind of pelvis that can pull a rabbit out of a hat. Yep. The men surveyed shared one priority for a female partner – that she be “exceptionally physically fit”. Gee, thanks a lot, fellas.
One thing’s for sure, after such a long pandemic we’ve all realised the importance of human contact and physical touch. I want to invent an app called “Tender” – the tender version of Tinder; where the emphasis is on kindness and compassion. But guys, now you know that wordplay is foreplay for females, don’t make a grammatical mistake in your profile. Otherwise reclusive Trappist yogis will be ringing you up for tips on celibacy, but.
I’m named after a diary, so have had many entries. (Ha ha.) But tell me what qualities you are looking for in a partner? Is grammar high on your romantic hit list? Can’t wait to hear your thoughts. Cheers, Kathy
What do women really want in bed? Breakfast. Oh, and a good book. If you’re looking for a funny, frivolous yet feisty new read, do slip between my covers. Satisfaction guaranteed.
Here’s a selection of scribblings in which I peel down to my emotional underwear – a psychological striptease that occasionally reveals all.
I think women are each other’s human Wonderbras – uplifting, supportive and making each other look bigger and better.
If he wants breakfast, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
Many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a god and she doesn’t.
Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting.
Boys will be boys, and so will a load of middle-aged boys who should know better.
Ladies who lynch.
No wife ever shot a husband while he was vacuuming.
I think therefore I’m divorced.
All husbands think they’re Gods. If only their wives weren’t atheists.
Happy wife = happy life.
I couldn’t ask for a better husband… as much as I’d bloody well like to.
Statistically, 100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Marriage is nature’s way of promoting masturbation.
Marriage is a fun-packed, frivolous activity – only occasionally resulting in death.
It’ll be an amicable split. You’ll both get 50 % of the acrimony.
A new invention is required. The monogamous husband. Patent Pending.
How Do I Hate Thee? Let me Count the Ways.
My wedding vows didn’t say To Love, Hoover and Obey.
I’m Having my period so can therefore legally kill you.
You are going to enjoy this marriage, even if I have to divorce you to do so.
A happy marriage is like an orgasm – many of them are faked.
All this emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay?
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Why don’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them.
What does a woman really want in bed? Breakfast.
For women, life is full of lies – I mean doctors maintain that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Legal aid cuts prove that the Tories believe a person is innocent until proven destitute.
Sexist men are so stupid it makes you want to take the ‘men’ out of Mensa.
If a man ever tells you that women fall at his feet – it’s only because he gets them drunk first.
A woman must always fight back. Never just lie back and think of Canberra.
The best cure for menopause is the toy boy diet. A case of having Your Beefcake and Eating It Too.
I don’t fake orgasms. I’m faking being six foot one and seven stone.
Trophy wives tarnish quickly and then get left on the shelf.
Lawyers work 24/7. The partners of lawyers suffer from a bad case of subpoena envy.
Most shrinks should book an appointment with themselves.
The question on the minds of most women is – why doesn’t chocolate go straight to your boobs?
Don’t fall for a man’s puppy dog look… Just get him wormed.
It’s been so long since a man has touched me, not even medical science will want my body.
My top tip for keeping your youth? Lock him in the pool house.